About a month ago, I got an e-mail from an old flame. I was a bit discombobulated by the e-mail. I really didn't think I would ever hear from him again. For those of you that read "FRACTURED FAIRY TALE...A story of heartbreak, loss..." you will know what I am talking about. If you haven't read it, I suggest that you do. That way, you won't get too confused. Go ahead. The rest of us will wait right here until you're done.
Ah. You're back. You've read it? Ok. Now we are all on the same page. As you may have gathered from my story, I fell in love with a young man. I was just barely 19 and he was almost 20 when we met. I have to say, the first time we were introduced, I didn't pay much attention to him. We were at a party at our youth leader's house. He had started coming to church with a work friend of his and his family. I had seen him at church, of course, but I really hadn't taken much notice of him. I was quite busy with other things like the Youth, Pathfinders, work, my girl friends; the usual things you are busy with at 19. That night at the party, he kept butting into my conversation with questions or sometimes he would just say something random. I would smile and politely answer his questions or listen to his random statement. The next morning when the Youth Leader called to ask if she could give him my phone number, I had to ask her who he was. She told me and I agreed. Next thing I know, I'm getting a call from this young man asking me out on a date.
It was probably the worst first date I have ever had in my life. Anything that could go wrong did. He took me horseback riding in the snow up on the mountains. I'm afraid of riding horses. I think they are beautiful animals, but a few bad experiences really soured me on riding them. We drove my car as his was back in his home state and I let him drive because he was the guy. Well, and because it started snowing and I had never driven in snow before. Then we slid into a ditch (with him behind the wheel of my car) and the tail pipes got bent. (His first Christmas gift to me was new tail pipes.) Then on the way back down the mountain, my windshield wipers were no match for the falling snow. In order to see, he had to stick his head out the window. He would pull his head back in every so often and I would wipe his sunglasses; then out his head would go again. I kept thinking, "This guy is never gonna ask me out again!" Oh, if only...
He was my first love. I built my world around him and then he smashed it to bits when he left. Fast forward 32 years. Out of the blue, he is standing in my Sabbath School class room after class one Sabbath. Only (and my mom really loved this), I didn't know who he was. I didn't recognize him at all. The only thing that looked familiar were his eyes, but the rest? No bells were ringing, that's for sure. When he told me who he was, you could have knocked me over with a peacock feather, to quote Tammie Jean. He and his family were passing through. I met his (then) wife and two of their three children.
Before we went out to the car, he apologized for the way he had treated me so many years before. I had already forgiven him, but it was really nice to hear him say, "I'm sorry." That meant the world to me. About a month later, I find out he is trying to get in touch via e-mail. I told the person to go ahead and give it to him. I thought he must have been telling me he was sorry because he's dying and he wanted to make amends. That really is what I thought. Turns out, he did want to tell me something, but it wasn't that he was dying. He wanted to tell me everything that was wrong in his marriage and to blame it all on his wife. And to tell me he still loved me. Yeah. I know. The crazy thing is I responded, I love you, too. I didn't know until that moment that I did still love him. But there you have it. For a little over a month we carried on a long distance affair via e-mail and phone. I even rationalized that it was ok, because of what his wife had done and that God was giving us a chance to make right what we had messed up so many years ago. His wife found out; even called and confronted me on the phone. She was quite calm about it. For the first time, the voice of reason could be heard above the voice of rationalization: "You know what he is like. His wife can't be all to blame. You know that from personal experience." As I type this I realize now how much my past thinking influenced my thought process about his wife. You see, whenever he had a bad day he always had a way of making me feel like it was my fault. I would bend over backwards to try to cheer him up or make him feel better, but to no avail. I always accepted the blame for his bad day no questions asked. It wasn't my fault, but it was. If he said the marriage was bad because of her, it must be. After the affair ended, I wrote her a letter asking for her forgiveness. I hope that she has forgiven me. I truly regret the part I played in damaging her already damaged marriage.
He did try to contact me a couple of times over the next couple of years. The first time, I had really started to get over him and his e-mail really mad me angry. He contacted me and then begged me not to tell his wife, because if she found out it would mean divorce; please "don't put this on me". I nearly blew a gasket. I wasn't putting anything on him. He contacted me! I ended up writing him a two page letter. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was over. I also told him to stop looking to the past at what might have been and to start looking at what was right in front of him. I told him to start working on making his marriage work, instead of looking for everything that was wrong in it. I heard from him twice after that and then radio silence for about eight years.
Facebook is a wonderful tool, until you are found by someone you don't want to be found by. Yep. He found me on facebook. This was a year ago, June. Against my better judgement, I accepted his friend request. He sent me an e-mail telling all about his divorce and still blaming her for all the wrongs in their marriage. Uh oh. He also told me that he just wanted friendship and someone to talk to that would listen. Problem is, I had already heard this story before...many times over. I wrote back and told him I was sorry to hear that he was getting a divorce, but if it was for the best so be it. I also told him that I, too, wanted only friendship. That I was enjoying my single life just as it is. I got an ugly tirade back, alot of it rambling. Suddenly, I'm as bad as his soon-to-be-ex, thinking only of myself, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. I wrote the aforementioned story and sent it to him in answer to his question (and I quote) "When did I 'break' your heart. LOL" Yeah...I know. Real sensitive guy. It finally came down to this. I told him that he needed to let go of the past, to let go of all the hurts from his marriage (real and imagined). I told him he needed to forgive his wife. I also told him I thought he had a lot of healing to do. I told him I could not be a part of it because I felt I was a hinderance to the healing. I was part of his past, not part of his future. He seemed to understand that it was for the best and agreed.
Recently, he connected with a mutual friend from back in the day. He talked about me quite a bit with her (her not knowing all that I have shared with you, Gentle Reader) and she innocently tells him he should contact me and tell me that he wants to be friends. (Apparently, she did get a taste of what I have been through, as he first took her friendship to be something more. She straightened him out on that.) Anywho, I contacted her after reading the e-mail to get her perspective on it. After what she told me, I realized it would be better not to respond at all. And I didn't. Each day that goes by without an e-mail from him, I breath a little easier.
I feel badly for him. I don't bear him any ill will. I only want good things for him. I pray for him and ask God to watch out for him. We are all broken in someway and some are broken more than others. I can not fix this man's brokenness. Only God can fix it. I pray that he will let God do that for him so that he will find peace and happiness.
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